Wreath of Barbs

Jul 10, 2004

Don't panic-I'm only manic

music: depeche mode

mood: o.k

I've been really up and down lately. I'm trying really hard not to let it show around friends and such.. but I feel really bad because I'm really taking it out on my family hard. And they're getting sick of it, rightfully so. I try to keep it just to my journal writing, but home is such a lax environment that it just kind of sneeks out. The whole John matter is really throwing me for a loop too, but talking with Steve tonight really put my mind in its place.In the back of my mind there's a little person reflecting on the idea of going back on medicine, but the idea really bothers me. I just don't know if its right for me. Mainly I'm worried of becoming a drone again. Being really bland and uniteresting simply wasn't me, and it was more frustrating to me to have to deal with that, compaired to dealing with yo-yo emotions. I am really worried that my sleeping habits haven't formed out of summer lazyness, and actually are due to the whole being manic case. If that is true, than I'm woried I'll have a problem getting up and going when I get to college. It's so frusterating. I wish the whole world was bipolar. Maybe then things would be set up differently and I wouldn't have to stand out so much and have to work so hard at managing things. :shrug:

I wish I had anime eyes and billowy anime hair.. that'd be cool.

Posted at 03:05 am by WreathofBarbs
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Jul 5, 2004

late-night emissions

music: gene loves jezebel

mood: manically high

     So... there is a slightly more than good chance that John is interested in me. The inside parts of me are extremely giddy. But I'm really just sitting here, pretty stone-faced, except for the slight smirk I have at the thought of the whole idea. I'm interested in him, he more than likely is interested in me, now, how long will it be before the idea that we are both interested in eachother is established as common knowledge. [at least, between the two of us..] Probably a while, but that's just my guess. After all, I'm shy.. he's shy..
     What the hell am I saying. I am usually not shy at all when it comes the whole man-woman mating call game. But for some reason, I just am really shy around him. Perhapse is the fact that he's a prude in the non-bad-boring way, and I am.. well, experianced in the areas of being a non-prude. What I mean is..
    I really don't want him to know about my past with my exs. I really don't want him to think I'm a floozy or something.
   Because I am not. Its just that, he's done *nothing*. So compared to him, I look... well learned. But I guess if he is going to pass some judgement on me than he's not worth the worry anyway.
   But Oh I do want him to fancy me. He's so.. clean cut and intelligable and amusing *attractive*, and ok, so what, I do fancy him. hrmph. There. I said it. I've broken my mold of "attracts like static to low life bottom feeders" habit. I think this calls for a party. Now, if only I could find some icecream!
   I'm lusting for some more frozen custard.. Oh how good frozen custard is in the wee hours of the morning.

I guess I have taken to Deadjournal more than I should have. I'm trying to motivate myself to move all of my past entries from here onto that site. Not because I like DJ more than here, but I can download my DJ blog and save it as backup, or print it, which I can't do here.
:shrug:

oh!. and WHERE THE HELL ARE MY SYNTH DREADS!! its been nearly 3 months I think, if that even, and they are still not here. I emailed the maker about 3 weeks back and she said "I'm finishing them up today and will email you when I send them out". well, they're STILL NOT HERE. grr. I want them. and I want them NOW. If I'm too broke/socially challenged to get more piercings, the least I can have is my pretty synth dreads. ::whine::

Posted at 02:45 am by WreathofBarbs
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Jul 2, 2004

diaryland

music: kill hannah

mood: frustrated

I tried out dead journal. Rather, I've been trying it out all-day-long. That site is *so* unmanagable!! At least blogdrive has decent looking layouts!! I don't think I've seen uglier layouts than at Dead Journal. Ugh. People who desperatly want Dead Journals, I have some advice for you: Stop wasting your energy hopelessly wanted a Dead Journal code, because once you get it you will realize how worthless it is. (unless, of course, you have no appetite for aesthetics) Blogdrive doesn't even require an invite code!! Even more stupid, you have to download a "client" to edit entries with colour, changeable text sizes, etc.. ::growl:: Dead Journal, feel my scorn! (hell hath no fury like a woman's scorn..)

I've come to the realization that I should have just kept my diaryland account, because I had a really awsome layout there, that was custom, and changeable. I love my blogdrive blog, but it will never be a David Ogilvie blog..:(

Posted at 03:49 am by WreathofBarbs
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Jun 30, 2004

new hair and hyperboles

music: modest mouse

mood: yay

photobucket.com is working again, yay! On the downside, I discovered that in the process of fixing the computer today, pictures of josh's mohawk were deleted, and aren't on the camera any longer, so, they are no more. Those pictures were living proof of a once-in-a-lifetime happening, but alas, they're gone. Oh well, at least I didn't loose everything else. What I don't have backed up on cd I have on the internet so, all's well that ends well. So here it is, a really unclear (since I don't have adobe photoshop anymore, thanks to the computer breakage, I had to resize it with photobucket's rudimentary sizing option)pixely, picture of my new hair do'. Though you can't even really see my hair... heh. By the way, can you tell I'm *extrEMEly* bored?

Posted at 03:42 am by WreathofBarbs
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eek

music: kid hits 2004 ha ha ha ha!

mood: yikes

photobucket is down!! ::profuse crying, weak knees, lots of melodrama:: It's been so long since I've been there to add photos, since the computer was down (yeah, I got it fixed today, forgot to mention that, but, Yay) that I forgot what site I was actually using to host my images.. hah. So I was scrolling through my blog to find the adress, and all my images were out with error signs!! I went to photobucket.com to log in and it wouldn't let me, but I figured out what the deal is:

photobucket.com:4:00
All the money we paid for top support will hopefully pay off and have the new raid card at my house within the hour. Then I'll jump in my car and head to the gateway, replace it and bring things back up. The filesystem checks are about done, nothing too bad, doesn't look like any data is lost or anything like that.

so hopefully it will be up soon, because I've got some more pictures I want to put up. But yeah, I wasn't really upset that the site is down, I'm just in one of those moods...as in, not able to sleep, overly bored, easily excitable moods.

Posted at 01:26 am by WreathofBarbs
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Mental Defect

music: tori

mood: pee postponement

Met my roomate today. She's nice, and definately of a different side of the social spectrum than where I stand, but that's alright. Maybe she'll have some, I dunno, positive influences on my social life or something. We're going to hang out again next week, and go out for dinner. :shrug: Went out with Steve and John tonight. Muggswigz has become the new cultural hub for people.. but I guess it's not so bad, because the people that have clung to the place rarely, if ever, actually go inside.. But anyways, I think I majorly offended John, and I feel really bad about it. Steve was commenting on his shirt, and John was saying where he got it from, and how it didn't matter to him if Steve had the same shirt, and my defense mechanism-sarcastic ass had to throw in a comment about how it would be cute if they had matching shirts.. John shot back with a funny comment about sailor porn, or something to that effect, but I had to keep being *stupid* and I said something about how couples that match are really cute, yadda yadda yadda, he gave me a really offended glare.
"you know how the thing you said just echos in your brain, and it keeps sounding stupider and stupider.."
Because, you know, he told Steve he didn't want me to think he was gay, because he's not, and I don't think he is..but I just *had* to make a stupid attempt at being witty at the wrong subject.. bleh. I'm so awkward!! How do normal people just act so... smooth and have no trouble meeting people and *clicking* with other people. I think I have some sort of mental defect. Thats it, a mental defect that is inert until I'm having somewhat of a decent time with someone that I'm slightly attracted to, and then it just wakes up and says "hey! say something stupid!" Definately a mental defect.

Posted at 12:28 am by WreathofBarbs
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Jun 24, 2004

equestrian luvvv

music: bjork

mood: bored

nothing much has happened lately. I've pretty much been staying at home, keeping to myself. I really feel as though there is no place for me right now out there, with everyone else. Everyone migrated from denny's to IHOP since a bunch of people got kicked out of Denny's, or so I hear...I just feel like I'd need an invitation or something to show up there. Maybe it's just me, but I dunno, I feel like that's the case. Josh (s) has completely ditched me or something, because he doesn't return my calls or anything like that. I was considering visiting him at work in hopes of getting a chance to say "Hi", or *something* but I doubt that would really get me anywhere. I decided against applying for the two jobs in the whole world available right now. One, because I didn't want to hostess, and the other, I didn't want a full-time job. Maybe I'm just lazy. No, I *know* I'm lazy, but I want to savour being able to do nothing before I go to college. Sure, money would be *really* nice, but I'll get by with out it. I don't smoke anymore, except for late night occasions where I'm stuck somewhere drinking lots of coffee. Then I chain smoke. Not sure why, just do. I guess when you're doing something as boring as drinking coffee, and conversation runs short, what else is there to do with yourself except smoke? This all sounds rather depressing and even a bit melodramatic. I keep thinking, *maybe* I should go back on my medicine... Maybe if I did that, I wouldn't give a fuck what people thought about me..Maybe then I wouldn't be sitting at home everynight at 11:00 watching "My So Called Life".

- I may be meeting Steve's friend John this saturday. He *sounds* pretty attractive (not just on the physical front), so hopefully I wont make an ass out of myself. I guess he's kind of shy. Well, so am I so it could end up being kind of awkward. bleh. It just..... would be nice to meet someone of *intelligent* stature, who's attractive, and nice, and tall, and similare to me... Wow, that really seems like wishing for too much. Hopefully John doesn't have some dillusion of grandeur about me, because Steve told him I'm tall, skinny, and blonde. Well, he got the tall part right. I'm not really skinny. Not that I'm gigantous or anything, but I'm not really skinny anymore, so hopefully John isn't into those emmaciated chicks. bleh. Oh, and I'm not blonde anymore. I dyed my hair dark red and cut it. Again. Really just an excuse to do something with it. But it looks ok. Well, I like it.
-I got my AP portfolio back today. No gradesheet inside it. What a rip off... to get your grades you have to call or write to them, for a fee. An 8$ phone call *after* July 1st? Just to get a number? I'm thinking I'm just going to call Kent and see if they got my scores yet, and then perhapse I can just get my score off of them. HaH. They'll know my score before me. I hope I did well...
In any event, I keep telling myself I'm going to go on a liquid diet, so I can loose weight and be a smaller size for when I go shopping for some nice, new, and decent clothes for college, but each day goes by and I end up eating something before I realize it. I need to find some motivation somewhere! Motivation is something that is drastically lacking in my life right now, and its rather depressing when you get around to it. I guess that's all I really have to say right now. I ended up saying a lot more than I thought I would. Mostly babble though.:shrug:

Posted at 01:47 pm by WreathofBarbs
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Jun 2, 2004

quiz time-surrender to the box

Ok... forget that... I can't get the html to work for some reason..... it just runs on as one long code in my "HTML" mode, instead of sitting the way it's supposed to, or at least I think that's the reason it's not working...

Posted at 12:22 am by WreathofBarbs
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Jun 1, 2004

parents

music: rasputina

mood: irritated

when are my parents going to realize that they can't controll my life, and when they try to it only makes me miserable?? can't fucking *wait* for college..

..I have this problem with lowering my standards for guys, and I end up with someone I'm completely dissatisfyed with, and I am *not* going to do that anymore. Ugh. Im so dissastifyed with a lot of things right now. Everything is so stagnant! This summer is going to be so slow, I feel it already..trying just to keep my head up and my best foot forward.

..Went to mugswiggz tonight with steve tonight, that was nice chatting.:shrug:highlight of my day, heh. He has a friend that plays cello, who's probably my height, and into some things that I'm into ....:shrug: he sounds interesting, so hopefully I'll get to meet him sometime. ack.. college.. be now.. ::sigh::

Posted at 11:41 pm by WreathofBarbs
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May 31, 2004

stircrazy

music: iron maiden, heh

mood: better

yesterday was pretty shitty. It made me pretty pissed at josh, and that sucked. He was at our house all fucking day, it was rediculous. I finally escaped and carli and I just chilled at her house. We had a blast talking about shit, it was great.. so I guess that makes up for the shitty day. Today's memorial day and we're all going over to Grandma and Grandpas for food. I always like doing that on memorial day. My grandpa rocks.

Posted at 03:30 pm by WreathofBarbs
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